[From "Monty Python's Flying Circus: Just the Words, Volume 2", episode 29. Methuen, ISBN 0-413-62550-8 (hardback).]
A reception desk in a sort of office building.
| Receptionist: | Yes, sir? |
| Man: | I'd like to have an argument please. |
| Receptionist: | Certainly, sir, have you been here before...? |
| Man: | No, this is my first time. |
| Receptionist: | I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course? |
| Man: | Well, what would be the cost? |
| Receptionist: | Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten. |
| Man: | Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK? |
| Receptionist: | Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment... Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory... Yes, try Mr. Barnard -- Room 12. |
| Man: | Thank you. |
[... blunders into Getting Hit Over The Head Lessons sketch, is directed next door …]
The man knocks on the door.
| Mr Vibrating: | (from within) Come in. |
| Man: | Is this the right room for an argument? |
| Mr Vibrating: | I've told you once. |
| Man: | No you haven't. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Yes I have. |
| Man: | When? |
| Mr Vibrating: | Just now! |
| Man: | No you didn't. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Yes I did! |
| Man: | Didn't. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Did. |
| Man: | Didn't. |
| Mr Vibrating: | I'm telling you I did! |
| Man: | You did not! |
| Mr Vibrating: | I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half-hour? |
| Man: | Oh, just a five minute one. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Fine. (makes a note of it; the man sits down) Thank you. Anyway I did. |
| Man: | You most certainly did not. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Now, let's get one thing quite clear... I most definitely told you! |
| Man: | You did not. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Yes I did. |
| Man: | You did not. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Yes I did. |
| Man: | Didn't. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Yes I did. |
| Man: | Didn't. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Yes I did!! |
| Man: | Look this isn't an argument. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Yes it is. |
| Man: | No it isn't, it's just contradiction. |
| Mr Vibrating: | No it isn't. |
| Man: | Yes it is. |
| Mr Vibrating: | It is not. |
| Man: | It is. You just contradicted me. |
| Mr Vibrating: | No I didn't. |
| Man: | Ooh, you did! |
| Mr Vibrating: | No, no, no, no, no. |
| Man: | You did, just then. |
| Mr Vibrating: | No, nonsense! |
| Man: | Oh, look this is futile. |
| Mr Vibrating: | No it isn't. |
| Man: | I came here for a good argument. |
| Mr Vibrating: | No you didn't, you came here for an argument |
| Man: | Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction. |
| Mr Vibrating: | It can be. |
| Man: | No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition. |
| Mr Vibrating: | No it isn't. |
| Man: | Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. |
| Man: | But it isn't just saying "No it isn't". |
| Mr Vibrating: | Yes it is. |
| Man: | No it isn't, an argument is an intellectual process... contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says. |
| Mr Vibrating: | No it isn't. |
| Man: | Yes it is. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Not at all. |
| Man: | Now look! |
| Mr Vibrating: | (pressing the bell on his desk) Thank you, good morning. |
| Man: | What? |
| Mr Vibrating: | That's it. Good morning. |
| Man: | But I was just getting interested. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Sorry the five minutes is up. |
| Man: | That was never five minutes just now! |
| Mr Vibrating: | I'm afraid it was. |
| Man: | No it wasn't. |
| Mr Vibrating: | I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more. |
| Man: | What!? |
| Mr Vibrating: | If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes. |
| Man: | But that was never five minutes just now... oh come on! This is ridiculous. |
| Mr Vibrating: | I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid. |
| Man: | Oh. All right. (pays) There you are. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Thank you. |
| Man: | Well? |
| Mr Vibrating: | Well what? |
| Man: | That was never five minutes just now. |
| Mr Vibrating: | I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid. |
| Man: | I've just paid. |
| Mr Vibrating: | No you didn't. |
| Man: | I did! I did! I did! |
| Mr Vibrating: | No you didn't. |
| Man: | Look I don't want to argue about that. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay. |
| Man: | Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing... got you! |
| Mr Vibrating: | No you haven't. |
| Man: | Yes I have... if you're arguing I must have paid. |
| Mr Vibrating: | Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time. |
| Man: | I've had enough of this. |
| Mr Vibrating: | No you haven't .... |
Dave Kimble April 2006
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